Review: S05 Ep07 "Polygamist Pilgrimage Into the Past"

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This week, the family goes on a trip to Nauvoo Ilinois. Why Nauvoo? Well, as Kody explains it, Nauvoo is where "...we get our origins of for plural marriage." Oh no, viewers have asked for more details on the Brown's religion, and I think this episode is going to be one long, boring, religious history tour.

Funny, it seems Mykelti feels the same way - from the mock gunshot to her head, to her assessment that the trip will be "... boring...you get to learn about your culture. You get to learn history." I suppose she'd rather go where her big sis Aspyn wants to go, to Disneyland of course. But the producers aren't paying for Disneyland, they are paying for Nauvoo Illinois. Two RVs, traveling over 1600 miles in only 3 days.

Oh yeah, this is definitely a stress test for the Browns to see which adult will break down first. Those producers are some mean people...but they know how to get drama. And folks let me tell you, we will not be disappointed in the drama department. Nope, not at all.

From the beginning of the so-called planning meeting, I can see the handwriting on the wall. The plan for 1600 miles in 3 days was way too optimistic, in fact, was downright crazy. Of course, in the couch interview, Kody tried to act like it was going to be fun trading "one kind of chaos for another kind of chaos." Kody acts as if chaos is a good thing.

Earth to Kody: Chaos is not a good thing. Chaos is BAD.

So, this production induced pressure test is soon underway. As Meri described her plan of driving 526 miles in about 9 hours, we can see failure looming ahead. And when Christine just mentioned the possibly going off the plan to fit in an attraction, First Wife Lady Meri intoned "We're not going to do something if it's not on the plan." Christine doesn't back down. In true Former Favorite Wife style, she told the adults " The more we talk about it, the more I'm done...Just have fun without me..." Yikes, looks like the pressure's ON.

Ok, so it looks like Kody has basically dropped the planning into Meri's lap. The only problem is, Meri is completely rigid - there is no give and take with her. Can you imagine living with this woman in a closed environment 24/7? It's her way or the highway, and she won't even open the door for you when you leave. No wonder Janelle had to get away from her.

Once they reach Utah, Kody again says this is the first time he's been back in Utah. Now, let's remember that this trip was made sometime in June 2012. We already know that Kody said the same thing last week, and poor Drake's demise was in July 2012. And don't forget that fans tweeted about seeing Kody and Robyn in St George. So Kody, how many times are you going to say it's your first time going back to Utah?

Back on topic, after making an obligatory stop at the pawn shop that owns the Hyrum Smith Farm (more about that later) and some Mormon history on an artifact that some poor Mormon had to pawn, the Brown Krew got back into their RVs and continued onward to their first stop. Looks like Meri's estimation of 8 hours was a little off as it actually took 16 hours to get to the first pit stop. Now, a reasonable person would have approached First Wife Lady Meri and said something like...I think your original plan sucks eggs. This isn't going to work. You're FIRED! But alas, they only have Kody "Hi! My name is Kody Brown and I'm a Polygamist" Brown to work with, so he calls a family meeting. Meri's solution to the dilemma? Next morning, leave an hour earlier. And she adds an "I'm just saying for me." as if that will make it better. Kody offers nothing - no guidance, just nothing. He is obviously in over his head. The producers must be happy because what they wanted to happen, happens - cracks are forming...how long before it breaks?

Let's take a short break and ask the question...What would Papa Joe Darger do in this situation?

Papa Joe Darger

Well, first off, he probably would NOT have had Meri planning this trip...well, ok, maybe he would let her plan it, but he would step in and say ... this schedule is not realistic - RV trucks are not like passenger vehicles so don't expect them to speed along at 55 - 60 mph on the highway. And he would have factored in reasonable bathroom stops along the way.

And if at the first stop they arrived 4 hours late, he would let Meri know that her plan for leaving an hour earlier would not be feasible - for safety sake, drivers need to be rested, not stressed out. He would then take Meri's schedule, and redo it on the spot in about 10 mins. That's what I think Papa Joe would have done.

But Kody is no Papa Joe. That's for sure. When Mariah chimes in that " No one knows what they're doing, and it's just annoying", it's obvious who she's referring to; oh yeah, a breakdown is coming.

In a couch interview, Kody says that he likes to maintain a schedule to spend time with his wives, and that he'll "rotate based upon where we're at." Ooopsy, the Brown Kodettes (particularly Meri and Robyn) do not like the word 'rotate'. So now I'm thinking, what other word could Kody use? Conjugal visit? Booty call? It is what it is, ladies!




By day 3, the Brown Krew are already a day behind, and there's the problem with high winds. So Kody drove into a Rest Area and approached the RV Meri was driving (with Robyn apparently riding shotgun). Poor baby was tired because he'd been driving all day for 2 days straight and he needed to rest his big ole balding noggin.  Kody does not do 'having to work' well.



So this was the conversation he had with Meri:

Kody:   I think I might have walked around enough to be awake. [to Meri] Do you need a break now?
Meri:    No, I'm fine.
Kody:   So, you want to just constantly drive?
Meri:    I'm...I would love to constantly drive.
Kody:   Four hours of sleep is not enough...I stopped because I was falling asleep.
Meri:    Okay, I am fine.
Kody:  Well, we've just got to get a rotation here, okay?
Meri:    So, you're forcing me to not drive, even though I'm saying...
Kody:   Meri, do you want me to ride with you?
Meri:    Kody, why don't you want me to drive? So whenever you guys say the word, I'm ready to go.
Kody: (shakes hair and looks at ceiling. reaches into shirt pocket, as the camera scans downward we see he's holding some of his green koolaid stuff still in its silver wrapper.)
Kody:   Just keep waiting. We'll just keep waiting.
Robyn: What are we waiting for?
Kody: (storms out of RV and slams the door)
Robyn: What's wrong?
Meri:     I have no idea.

What we have here, is not only a failure to communicate, but documentary proof that Kody has officially imploded.

Call me cynical, (Ms Jinx if you're nasty) but if someone came up to me talking the way Kody was, I'd think 'Oh boy, somebody's having a psychotic episode here...maybe he needs to take a rest from driving.' But Meri was as dumb as bricks. I think it was amazing how she didn't understand what Kody was trying to say. Granted, he was all over the place, but it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to understand what this guy was trying to say. Yes, Meri, for someone who wants to work with 'at risk' teens, I'm definitely troubled at your lack of empathy for Kody. You ignored what he was saying and turned it around to being about you. So what if you aren't tired, perhaps other people are? It just seems crazy to me that this group of nitwits want to spend eternity with each other.

In the talking head, we see confirmation of what we have known all along about Kody: He's a flipping idiot. When he says "...I wanted to bark orders and have them obeyed." it was like, where did this come from? He can barely communicate, and he wants to bark orders and be obeyed? What leadership book has this joker been reading?  And do we really need to see Robyn's take (not to mention a repeat of the previous 5 minutes) on Kody's implosion? Guess the producers thought this was so good it had to be shown twice. Thanks Figure 8.

I'm going to skip Truckhenge, because I agree with Christine about the owner..."He drove me nuts...He lives in the middle of nowhere...he hates the government." Funny, but those words could describe 99% of the fundamental polygamists in North America. Anyway, Kody thought the kids liked it, I think the kids liked it because it gave them something to do instead of sitting for 18 hours in a RV.


Note to Meri: You mean you couldn't find any Mormon historical sites to visit on your way to Nauvoo? You know, something relevant as to why you're making this trip?

Let's take another short break and talk about HBO's Big Love and how the Henrickson's journeyed from Utah to Cumorah, NY along the Mormon Trail. At each historical site, Bill had his wives read a short description about each site they visited. Now maybe that would be corny to do in real life (or reality real life) but it would give further purpose to why these sites are religiously relevant. Note to producers: This could have been an interesting way to give viewers a bit of Mormon history while the Brown Krew inched it's way to Nauvoo. A lot more relevant than seeing what an aging hippie did with the eyesore junk vehicles on his property. It's not even original (see Carhenge in Nebraska).

Okay, back to the show!

Oh no, Kody is having another breakdown. Seems the motel that Robyn and Christine require, is located 12 miles away from the RV park. Kody is beside himself. He's tired and now he has to drive two of his wives 12 miles to their motel. He even sort of yelled at Meri, who promptly put him in his place with a stern "I don't think you need to be barking at me about it." Geez Meri, all Kody was trying to do was to tell you that he was not waking up at the crack of dawn like your schedule required.

What would Papa Joe do?

Well, I think Papa Joe would have told Robyn and Christine forget about the motel, you're camping out tonight. And Meri would sternly be told 'Shut up and listen to me. Your schedule sucks raw eggs. So make room for Robyn and me in your RV. NOW.' But Kody, alas,  is not Papa Joe.

Kody complains instead. The trip was scheduled too fast he says. And did his four wives support him? Nope. And while Kody bowed his head and led his family in prayer, his bald spot was painfully visible. Yep, that hair in front is like a tuft of very long hair with bald scalp surrounding it. Weird.

Finally, the last travel day and the Krew is on their way to Hannibal Missouri. Frankly, I don't see the relevance of this segment other than the reading of a rather insulting Mark Twain story about his meeting with polygamists in Salt Lake City. Major fail, because it was just not that funny and was really dumb. But we did get a view of Robyn's stomach. I don't think she's pregnant, I think she forgot to pack her spanx. In fact, I noticed in this segment everyone in that family has a pot belly. Perhaps Kody should have invested in a gym instead of MSWC if only to get his own family into physical shape.

In Nauvoo, we see the family arriving at the Hyrum Smith's home. The way their children ran and rolled around the lawn kind of made me think of all those kids running and yelling in that cul-de-sac they just moved into. Bet there are some real happy neighbors.

Robyn having a freaky deaky attack

But back to the show. We finally meet the Nauvoo tour guide named Joseph. Joseph leads the Browns on a fact filled tour, including sites where Meri's and Robyn's ancestors once walked. Of course, Kody had to let Joseph know it's ok to talk about polygamy, because you see, Kody's a polygamist! And he has 4 wives! At a picnic in a city park, Joseph turned Robyn's head all freaky when she realized that Joseph Smith's wives had brother husbands.

And I really don't understand why the producers had to include a Kody Brown dumbed down explanation for everything Joseph mentioned in his tour. After a rather descriptive lecture on the jailing and death of Joseph Smith, we came to what will go down in Sister Wives history as plyg-gate. Yes, I'm talking about the Brown Krew being told they were not welcomed at the museum across the street. Now, we don't know exactly why the museum director apparently made the decision not to admit the Krew, but I have a nagging feeling that there is more to the story than what is being told. Who knows? Maybe he saw the Brown children rolling in the grass at the Hyrum Smith Farm and decided no way, not in his museum. Perhaps some day the director will come forward and tell viewers exactly why the Browns were denied entrance.

And as the episode ends, we see the Browns sitting down to a picnic table to eat, while Kody expounds about how the trip to Nauvoo has showed him "...that others have sacrificed so much more so that [ he ] could actually live the Principle of plural marriage in absolute peace."

Yeah, Kody. Tell that to your new neighbors.